Yoshi's Cookie on NES -or-

The Fat Ass Dinosaur That Snatched All My Cookies
by: Aron Deppert

When I got my first Game Boy, it came with Tetris. I also bought two more games: Yoshi's Cookie and Super Mario Land. Of the three games the one that brought me the most enjoyment, playtime, and FRUSTRATION was Yoshi's cookie. Though Yoshi and his cookies have been seen on many Nintendo systems, we will be discussing the NES version here.

This game taught me a valuable lesson: never go into business with a dinosaur, no matter how adorable he may be. In Yoshi's Cookie, Yoshi and Mario open up a cookie factory together. As the game's minimal plot unfolds, it is revealed that Mario does all the work of sliding cookies around, while Yoshi is presumably somewhere in the back, probably eating raw cookie dough. He certainly doesn't seem to be concerned with poor Mario, who is locked in a tiny box with only two levers to save their factory from certain doom.


Mario in his prison, frantically matching cookies to keep from exploding!

The gameplay is pretty simple: you slide entire rows of cookies up, down, left, or right to make either an entire row or column the same type of cookie. When you do, they slide off to the right of the screen and fill up a mysterious meter who's true (and possibly diabolical) purpose is never revealed. To clear a level you must clear the playing field of cookies, which sounds kind of difficult, but initially it is actually very simple. Yoshi's cookie lulls you into a false sense of security early on with stages that can be cleared with one or two moves. However, later on, as more types of cookies are added to your screen, more advanced tactics are needed to avoid Armageddon.

Once you clear an entire stage, you are rewarded with a cutscene of Mario rolling a cookie or two, probably to eat it. I imagine I would be pretty hungry two after sitting in a tiny, hot box for so long. Inevitably during this cutscene, Yoshi will come through and snatch one or all of Mario's cookies. The little voracious lizard's insatiable appetite can't even be stopped for his best friend.


Lurking beyond the boundaries of this screenshot is Yoshi, the evil cookie bandit!

Over the course of my life I have probably logged over 200 hours in various iterations of Yoshi's cookie, and to this day can't clear the 6th level. I haven't yet gotten frustrated to the point of wanting to never play it again, which I feel says a lot for a game this dated. If you love puzzlers, then you should check this one out for sure (especially since it's available on Virtual Console now).

Image Credit: ign.com, wii.kombo.com

Sonic R: When it All Began to Go Downhill

by Michael J. Gonsiorek Jr.

I have to be honest here: I never played this game back in the day. I don’t have warm, fuzzy feelings or the misguided intelligence of youth to cloud my judgment leading me to think a terrible game is a great one. When I got my Playstation it was because my dad had asked me, which did I like better: the Playstation or Nintendo 64. I essentially chose the Playstation over a Nintendo 64 because I had played the Fantastic 4 game. Yes, that infamous Fantastic 4 game. In my young mind, I thought that was an amazing masterpiece. I’m not a stranger to loving the bad. I own Showgirls and I Know Who Killed Me. Either I’m part pig and love wallowing in filth, can find something enjoyable in everything no matter how bad, or I have a penchant for bad movies about strippers.

After that side note, it comes back to Sonic R. This game sucks. That could be the simple conclusion to this recollection, but this isn’t a recollection. As I mentioned before, I have never played this game until this last spring. Let it be noted that I am playing it on the GameCube Sonic compilation entitled The Sonic Gems Collection, which in itself is a joke. None of the games on the collection are gems. Well, maybe Sonic R is. I know I said it sucked, but hear me out: Sonic R posses a few qualities that give it some charm, but who wants to read about the good things first?

Sonic R is clearly a Mario Kart rip-off, plain and simple. Mario Kart should have filed for a restraining order, but Sonic R clearly never poses much of a threat. It’s like if you were to put a restraining order on an ex who happens to be missing both arms. It’s possible they could get in a good kick here or there, but they cannot easily get passed a locked door… unless they had prosthetics but that is an entirely different analogy. The game lets you choose from your “favorite” Sonic characters. At this point in the series, there was no Shadow and Big the Cat. Pretty much Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, and Dr. Robotnik (his name will never be Eggman, that’s stupid) to choose from. Dr. Robotnik must be unlocked, so for your starting line-up instead of him, the player can choose Amy. Apparently, Amy was first introduced in Sonic CD, but seeing as not many people owned the Sega CD and therefore never seen her makes one wonder why she was included as a starting character. With Mario Kart, there are at least eight characters to choose from but none to unlock until later in the series. Sonic R gives you four to begin with, and you can unlock five more.


Your lackluster options.

It doesn’t matter who you choose as no one controls well at all. The game has five stages, which doesn't offer a whole lot of variety. In each stage there is at least one Chaos Emerald and five Sonic coins to collect. Collecting all coins and coming in at least third will let you race against a secret character and beating them lets you add them to your line up. Collecting all emeralds unlocks Super Sonic, and beating the Radiant Emerald level unlocks Dr. Robotnik. Speaking of the Radiant Emerald level, if you want more proof that Sonic R is nothing but a Mario Kart clone, . Mario Kart is famous, or at least is famous now, for always having the Rainbow Road level as the last level for the hardest difficulty. The Rainbow Road is not much more than black space, and a road that is more colorful than a Gay Pride Parade. Sonic R has the Radiant Emerald level, which is black space and a road that is more colorful than…wait a second, is this a blatant rip-off or what?


Here is an early beta for Mario Kart Sonic R

Like I said earlier, everything has a saving grace, and Sonic R has little to fear from Nintendo on the musical front. The music may quite literally give you an orgasm. I’m not kidding when I say this. It is this odd collection of inspirational, Christian like pop music put into a blender with early 90’s pop music ala “Everybody, Everybody” by Black Box or anything by Black Box for that matter with a splash of that Gay Pride Parade that I mentioned earlier. The songs have vocals, and while some people think that this is hokey, I think it is “da bomb”. I have it on my iPod, but I’ll only listen to it in the privacy of my headphones or if my windows are up in my car. The tunes are slightly embarrassing, but it reminds me of what made the 90’s awesome… bad pop music. The songs fit alongside the track you are racing on. In the first stage it’s a nature inspired one, “Can You Feel the Sunshine?” as its theme, and the next city level has “Living in the City”. But after that, the songs don’t fit the personality or theme of the stage, still remain amazing. [Editors note: The Sega Saturn version of this game could be put in your CD player to listen to the soundtrack without playing the game. Cool, huh?]

Overall, the music and the patience building one gets from mastering the controls is what makes this game awesome. It’s almost like reaching a Zen state after you get done playing, although after completing it I have yet to go back and play again. Even though I trashed it, I would still highly recommend playing it. If you don’t want to shell out the money for the game, at least YouTube the songs because they do not disappoint.

Image Credit: shinforce.com, noisetosignal.org