Clear Your Sinuses, It's Time For Boogerman

by Aron Deppert

“Boogerman: A Pick and Flick Adventure” sounds too good to be a true game title, doesn’t it? Well, guess again because this isn’t a joke. Boogerman was a side-scrolling platformer released originally on NES, then later on Genesis (the later version is by far superior), and just recently the Genesis version was released on Wii’s virtual console. In the game, you take control of an eccentric millionaire named Snotty Ragsdale. He is on a quest to stop the evil Professor Stinkum from destroying the Earth by donning a cape and jumpsuit and becoming the not-so-super hero Boogerman. He will use his supercharged boogers, farts, belts and jumps to pave way to victory…with your help, of course.

Technically, the game was a good one. The Genesis cartridge was a whopping 24 megabytes and the animation was at 30 frames per second, which was done in an effort to capture a more cartoon-like feel. The control scheme is easy and natural-feeling for anyone who has previously played a game of this type. Players of this game may be reminded of Earthworm Jim by both the look and the playing style of the game…and due to the fact both games were made by Interplay. The game featured some minor voice acting, such as Boogerman yelling “BOOGERS!” when the C button is pressed on the controller. Basically, it’s chalked full of humor appropriate for those of us who are 16 years old or younger (or have the equivalent mentality). Many people criticized the game for this very reason, saying it was simply too inappropriate for the target audience.


One of Boogerman’s many idle animations involves him picking his nose, and then eating it.

The pacing of the game is rather quick, which would seem to pose a challenge to players of a younger age bracket. There were many times when the game seemed to be playing itself, as Boogerman bounced and flicked his way across the Flatulent Swamps. The level design was a little akimbo, featuring many undefined paths through the level. There were hidden doors and warp toilets everywhere, which made it very hard to decide where to go. It was also entirely possible to ignore the alternate paths all together and take a straight shot through each course, ending up in the exact same place you would have ended up taking a short(long)cut.


Somebody should’ve avoided the bean burrito at dinner.

Overall, Boogerman was good for a short burst of fun, but shoddy level design left it feeling like just another side-scroller once the shock value of boogers, farts, burps and loogies wore off. After spending a few hours with Snotty Ragsdale’s alter ego, it really isn’t a surprise that Boogerman didn’t enjoy the longevity that his wormy counterpart did. This would definitely be a game worth checking out if you are the kind of person that can’t stop laughing over a well-placed whoopee cushion, or you just happen to have credits you can’t figure out how to spend on the Virtual Console.



Image source: Screenshots, en.wikipedia.org

Awesome Possum Kicks Dr. Machino's Butt!

by Aron Deppert

Imagine this: you are in control of an animal-human mutant creature, with the ability to jump really high and perform devastating spin jumps to decimate the robotic army that wants to take over the world. Sounds familiar doesn't it? Unfortunately, we're not imagining the classic Sonic The Hedgehog. Instead we are imagining it's red-headed step-sibling, Awesome Possum Kicks Dr. Machino's Butt!

Before nit picking this game to death, it is worthwhile to address Awesome Possum's (developer Tengen's attempt at creating an eco-hero) one positive selling point, it bears mentioning that there are over 80 lines of digitized voice acting in this game, which was a first for the Sega Genesis. Awesome Possum has some awesome phrases he repeats over, and over, and over again. Such as:

“Ouch!”
“Quit it, bad guy!”
“Let's go!”
“You'll never pollute again!”
“I won! Nya nya nya nya nya!”

The tinny voice of the possum gets old faster than you would imagine, but innovation is innovation so we'll move on to this game's nauseating Sonic wannabe-ness. You are an anthropomorphic creature charged with destroying an evil doctor's (who, in both games has a penchant for robotics) efforts to ruin the world. In both games, the mutie critter under your control can perform a spinning jump to eliminate the evil doctor's robotic minions. Awesome Possum has the disadvantage though, because he has to find a power up in each level to gain his spin jump. Speaking of power ups, the main two, a speed boost and invincibility are ripped from Sonic as well.

Unlike Awesome Possum's blue counterpart, he does not get very varied environments to slay robots in. The first stage, the rainforest, has four sections which are all indiscernible from each other. In the second stage, Awesome Possum has to clean up oceanic pollution. The areas you swim through just seem like someone flooded the rainforest.


One of the many, many identical environments you must suffer through to clean up the environment.

For bonus points, instead of racing through a cool 3D tunnel to grab Chaos Emeralds, you have to answer eco quizzes. The answers are all pretty obvious as long as you read each option presented to you. If you land a correct answer you are rewarded with 10, 000 bonus points and the intimidating panel of animal judges make very creepy happy faces at you.


You better answer correctly...OR ELSE!

Overall, kudos should be given to Tengen for trying to deliver a pro-environment message to kids and for pushing the limits of the current gen's hardware by adding so much voice “acting” (the word acting is used hesitantly here) to a game. Sadly, that's where their originality ended in this wacky, and not-so-charming Sonic The Hedgehog clone. If you're looking to spin jump metal menaces into oblivion, it's best to stick with the real deal.

Image Credit: Screenshots, en.wikipedia.org

Taking a Vacay to “Silent Hill” (But the Childhood Memories Were Better)

by Michael J. Gonsiorek Jr.

It’s hard to believe that 10 years ago “Silent Hill” was first released for the Playstation. I was 12-years-old, and I can say that t first I was not super-impressed with the concept. You see, I was a Resident Evil fanboy, (at that point the series was up to “Resident Evil 2”) and I felt that Konami was ripping off Capcom.

I’d seen previews in video game magazines, but ignored it. The first time I gave it the time of day was when I saw game footage tacked onto a demo disk. Seeing as it required no reading, I figured I would see what it was all about.

My mind was blown.

Each time I reviewed the movie intensified my urge to get my young hands on the game. Fortunately for me, I talked a friend into going halfsies with me on the purchase. It was also lucky for me that the little cell phone and beeper (before everyone and their children had a cell phone) shop that sold video games did not care that a couple of 12-13 year olds were buying a game recommended for 17 and older.

At the time, I had never seen anything like it. The town was so atmospheric; it’s no wonder that it became a character itself. In the light of the day, the player can clearly see that this is a small town down on its luck. Or at least it appears that way since one can never be sure if they are seeing the “true” Silent Hill. The game suffered from what many games at the time did, which was “draw”. Draw is when a game cannot compute fast enough, so sometimes the surrounding area of a character appears blank and the foreground will pop up. The developers used this to their advantage thus the birthing of its trademark fog. When it switched to night or the “otherworld”, it became even more rundown. Streets disappeared and were replaced with rusty chain link grating that seemed to be hovering over a very long drop. There was no fog but the dark was just as thick. While running around at night, it was quite jarring to stumble into a monster. You might poop yourself.


Can you say "anti-aliasing"? Oh, you can't? Shucks...

Unfortunately, the enemy design in this game was sort of disappointing, but I think this only applies because of what the series has brought to the table since then. The enemies worked in this game because what they represented, but they come across as a bit generic. Skinless dogs, a large caterpillar boss, and nurses? Again, let me emphasize that these work for this game because of what they were to represent, but I think the limited graphics didn't lend themselves to the full effect. The later installments showcase a ton of unique, disturbing designs.


Yup, you just dropped a load in your britches. I can smell it!
The thing that made this game so unique and original was that you were an everyday man, and not some beefed up soldier going up against some corporation with a twisted sense of morals. Silent Hill wasn’t even the destination; you crashed along the highway and awoke in the town to find your daughter missing. From there things got strange; which is the least I can say about it. What I found interesting about the story is that it was almost a jab at religion. I don’t think that was the intention, but it does play along the lines of how far some people will go for what they believe. I don’t want to say too much more as to ruin the story. It can be kind of silly, some parts are downright pointless in order to get the best ending in the game, and there were some fairly large plot holes, but there was nothing like it at the time it came out. I cannot stress that enough.

Even though I am hard on it, I think “Silent Hill” deserves a shot. The major gripe I have is that it does not seem to have aged so well. I also feel that the comparisons to its other siblings are unfair, since they have better controls and visuals. I don’t know how they are altering the story, but the re-imagining of “Silent Hill” will be out later this year with the subtitle “Shattered Memories”. Some of the charm will likely be gone, but I hope some of my issues are cleared up.

Writer’s Notes: “Silent Hill” is now available on the Playstation Store, at the cost of $5.99 plus tax. The game can be played on your Playstation 3 or PSP. If you already have a copy of the game, I would not suggest playing it in a Playstation 3 as it causes a high pitch audio squeal whenever you encounter an enemy.

On a related note, there was a movie made based off this game. I won’t divulge too much as it doesn’t fit on this site, and I plan on covering it on my personal blog as I go along with the rest of the “Silent Hill” series. The general consensus is that the movie is out and out terrible. I, on the other hand, beg to differ. I think it is one of the better if not best video game-to-movie adaptations. Again, that is not saying much, but even though the story got a tad messed up (unnecessary sex changes were given to the main character, and enemies from “Silent Hill 2” that do not belong in this universe make appearances) there is no question about it: the look and feel of it was pretty damn accurate. If you are wary of playing “Silent Hill”, suggesting the movie might be a bad move to make but I advise to check it out. It will give you a feel for how the stories are to a degree. It follows the first game, but changes were made. Harry is now a woman, Cheryl’s name is changed to Sharon for some reason, and characters roles are flipped around. It’s so disappointing because there was so much potential there with the scenery, but halfway through the story kind of falls apart.

Yoshi's Cookie on NES -or-

The Fat Ass Dinosaur That Snatched All My Cookies
by: Aron Deppert

When I got my first Game Boy, it came with Tetris. I also bought two more games: Yoshi's Cookie and Super Mario Land. Of the three games the one that brought me the most enjoyment, playtime, and FRUSTRATION was Yoshi's cookie. Though Yoshi and his cookies have been seen on many Nintendo systems, we will be discussing the NES version here.

This game taught me a valuable lesson: never go into business with a dinosaur, no matter how adorable he may be. In Yoshi's Cookie, Yoshi and Mario open up a cookie factory together. As the game's minimal plot unfolds, it is revealed that Mario does all the work of sliding cookies around, while Yoshi is presumably somewhere in the back, probably eating raw cookie dough. He certainly doesn't seem to be concerned with poor Mario, who is locked in a tiny box with only two levers to save their factory from certain doom.


Mario in his prison, frantically matching cookies to keep from exploding!

The gameplay is pretty simple: you slide entire rows of cookies up, down, left, or right to make either an entire row or column the same type of cookie. When you do, they slide off to the right of the screen and fill up a mysterious meter who's true (and possibly diabolical) purpose is never revealed. To clear a level you must clear the playing field of cookies, which sounds kind of difficult, but initially it is actually very simple. Yoshi's cookie lulls you into a false sense of security early on with stages that can be cleared with one or two moves. However, later on, as more types of cookies are added to your screen, more advanced tactics are needed to avoid Armageddon.

Once you clear an entire stage, you are rewarded with a cutscene of Mario rolling a cookie or two, probably to eat it. I imagine I would be pretty hungry two after sitting in a tiny, hot box for so long. Inevitably during this cutscene, Yoshi will come through and snatch one or all of Mario's cookies. The little voracious lizard's insatiable appetite can't even be stopped for his best friend.


Lurking beyond the boundaries of this screenshot is Yoshi, the evil cookie bandit!

Over the course of my life I have probably logged over 200 hours in various iterations of Yoshi's cookie, and to this day can't clear the 6th level. I haven't yet gotten frustrated to the point of wanting to never play it again, which I feel says a lot for a game this dated. If you love puzzlers, then you should check this one out for sure (especially since it's available on Virtual Console now).

Image Credit: ign.com, wii.kombo.com

Sonic R: When it All Began to Go Downhill

by Michael J. Gonsiorek Jr.

I have to be honest here: I never played this game back in the day. I don’t have warm, fuzzy feelings or the misguided intelligence of youth to cloud my judgment leading me to think a terrible game is a great one. When I got my Playstation it was because my dad had asked me, which did I like better: the Playstation or Nintendo 64. I essentially chose the Playstation over a Nintendo 64 because I had played the Fantastic 4 game. Yes, that infamous Fantastic 4 game. In my young mind, I thought that was an amazing masterpiece. I’m not a stranger to loving the bad. I own Showgirls and I Know Who Killed Me. Either I’m part pig and love wallowing in filth, can find something enjoyable in everything no matter how bad, or I have a penchant for bad movies about strippers.

After that side note, it comes back to Sonic R. This game sucks. That could be the simple conclusion to this recollection, but this isn’t a recollection. As I mentioned before, I have never played this game until this last spring. Let it be noted that I am playing it on the GameCube Sonic compilation entitled The Sonic Gems Collection, which in itself is a joke. None of the games on the collection are gems. Well, maybe Sonic R is. I know I said it sucked, but hear me out: Sonic R posses a few qualities that give it some charm, but who wants to read about the good things first?

Sonic R is clearly a Mario Kart rip-off, plain and simple. Mario Kart should have filed for a restraining order, but Sonic R clearly never poses much of a threat. It’s like if you were to put a restraining order on an ex who happens to be missing both arms. It’s possible they could get in a good kick here or there, but they cannot easily get passed a locked door… unless they had prosthetics but that is an entirely different analogy. The game lets you choose from your “favorite” Sonic characters. At this point in the series, there was no Shadow and Big the Cat. Pretty much Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, and Dr. Robotnik (his name will never be Eggman, that’s stupid) to choose from. Dr. Robotnik must be unlocked, so for your starting line-up instead of him, the player can choose Amy. Apparently, Amy was first introduced in Sonic CD, but seeing as not many people owned the Sega CD and therefore never seen her makes one wonder why she was included as a starting character. With Mario Kart, there are at least eight characters to choose from but none to unlock until later in the series. Sonic R gives you four to begin with, and you can unlock five more.


Your lackluster options.

It doesn’t matter who you choose as no one controls well at all. The game has five stages, which doesn't offer a whole lot of variety. In each stage there is at least one Chaos Emerald and five Sonic coins to collect. Collecting all coins and coming in at least third will let you race against a secret character and beating them lets you add them to your line up. Collecting all emeralds unlocks Super Sonic, and beating the Radiant Emerald level unlocks Dr. Robotnik. Speaking of the Radiant Emerald level, if you want more proof that Sonic R is nothing but a Mario Kart clone, . Mario Kart is famous, or at least is famous now, for always having the Rainbow Road level as the last level for the hardest difficulty. The Rainbow Road is not much more than black space, and a road that is more colorful than a Gay Pride Parade. Sonic R has the Radiant Emerald level, which is black space and a road that is more colorful than…wait a second, is this a blatant rip-off or what?


Here is an early beta for Mario Kart Sonic R

Like I said earlier, everything has a saving grace, and Sonic R has little to fear from Nintendo on the musical front. The music may quite literally give you an orgasm. I’m not kidding when I say this. It is this odd collection of inspirational, Christian like pop music put into a blender with early 90’s pop music ala “Everybody, Everybody” by Black Box or anything by Black Box for that matter with a splash of that Gay Pride Parade that I mentioned earlier. The songs have vocals, and while some people think that this is hokey, I think it is “da bomb”. I have it on my iPod, but I’ll only listen to it in the privacy of my headphones or if my windows are up in my car. The tunes are slightly embarrassing, but it reminds me of what made the 90’s awesome… bad pop music. The songs fit alongside the track you are racing on. In the first stage it’s a nature inspired one, “Can You Feel the Sunshine?” as its theme, and the next city level has “Living in the City”. But after that, the songs don’t fit the personality or theme of the stage, still remain amazing. [Editors note: The Sega Saturn version of this game could be put in your CD player to listen to the soundtrack without playing the game. Cool, huh?]

Overall, the music and the patience building one gets from mastering the controls is what makes this game awesome. It’s almost like reaching a Zen state after you get done playing, although after completing it I have yet to go back and play again. Even though I trashed it, I would still highly recommend playing it. If you don’t want to shell out the money for the game, at least YouTube the songs because they do not disappoint.

Image Credit: shinforce.com, noisetosignal.org

Goosebumps: Escape from Horrorland

by: Michael J. Gonsiorek Jr.

Today’s youth has no idea what terror is. Not only do they get terrible horror movies and remakes such as Prom Night as opposed to classics that I grew up with such as… Prom Night. Okay not fair, that was before my time. I grew up during the Nightmare on Elm Street era. Cinema options aside, their literary brand of horror comes catered to them these days a la sparkly vampires in Twilight. I know these books are more young adult romance novels than horror, but I’m trying to be current and get in a jab at the pop culture phenomenon. That is why I am proud to have grown up during the Goosebumps era. Sure they are as about as scary as the Twilight saga (and as poorly written too…there goes my zing), but like Meyer’s novels something about them caught the attention of a nation. Goosebumps was also not gender specific, so it is safe to say that they were quite the craze.

It is only natural that a video game was cranked out to steal more money from our parents continue the epic tale of Horrorland. Based off the Goosebumps novel #16 “One Day at Horrorland”, Escape from Horrorland reunites the player with the Morris family. Apparently the denizens of Horrorland felt that the Morris’s got away too easily. That’s pretty much your whole story. The main objective is to find your parents who got sucked into a portal to Horrorland just before you. Most of the game has you follow Lizzy, who is looking for her brother Luke and his friend Clay. Horrorland is broken up into about five major areas. Most areas from the book are covered and a few more are introduced.


Werewolf Villiage...human population: 0

The game is a point-and-click adventure game. Your inventory is accessed by moving your cursor to the bottom of the screen to access a fanny pack (Oh, I love the 90’s). Most of what you come across will be coins, which serve only to access machines that give you clues. They kind of act like a health bar when you encounter something that can hit you, which is pointless because, as far as I can tell, you can’t die if it reaches zero. There are a few times in which you are being chased by a werewolf or another generic Halloween creature, but you can also explore Horrorland through tunnels. It is within these tunnels that the game scares the poop out of me. It’s much in the vein of the original Doom with the first person perspective and blurry graphics. The only thing is that you don’t have a BFG, but there is a horrible, gigantic monster chasing you. If you are caught, you are kicked out of the tunnels back to wherever you started. These tunnels provide needless shortcuts in between the different sections of Horrorland. The areas are not spaced out that much and it’s not like you have to go through many areas to access another. You can also skip the transitioning FMV which takes up unnecessary time.


Mmmm...crunchy creepy crawlies.

It may be that I played the game a lot in my younger days, but a game that took me hours to beat lasted about an hour on my play through for this review. It is supposed to be Horrorland not Horror-hop-skip-and-a-jump-town. When we got our first Acer computer back in the day, it came with a copy of Are You Afraid of the Dark? : The Tale of Orpheo’s Curse. That game is set within a theater and as far as I can remember, it seems a lot bigger than this Horrorland.

That gripping aside, this game is entertaining. It appears that they tried to put as many Goosebumps references as they could into the game, and they even have a few bigger name actors in here. Jeff Goldblum plays Dracula, and he is no different than any other character he plays; which is Jeff Goldblum trying to act, but ending up as Jeff Goldblum. Isabella Rossellini is in here, and then there is that little red-headed kid who isn’t Danny Bonaduce, but Adam Wylie. The puzzles aren’t too difficult, but if you were a hardcore Goosebumps fan like I used to be then this game is right up your alley. Just don’t expect a work of art.

Image Credit: giantbomb.com, alienpixel.com, vinceallan.net

It's Morphin' Time: Mighty Morphin Power Rangers on SNES

by: Aron Deppert

Somewhere near Indianapolis, Indiana, in 1994, a 13 year old boy got very interested in a show called Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Sure, he was he a little older than their average viewer, but that didn't stop him from yelling "IT'S MORPHIN' TIME" when the Rangers transformed into their high kickin' and fast punchin' alter egos.

That little boy was me. Stop laughing.

Soon after the show was launched, a game with the same title came out for multiple platforms. The one I obtained was for SNES, and it was a side-scrolling arcade style beat-em-up game. You could pick any Ranger you wanted, and they started out the level in their un-morphed forms with only fists and feet to protect themselves from the onslaught of Rita Repulsa's henchmen, the Putties.



Jason likes working out his triceps by busting some Putty skulls.

By the halfway mark, IT'S MORPHIN' TIME! You are then given your power weapon and your sweet Spandex suit. I typically opted for the Pink Ranger, because her bow mows down Putties from a safe distance. Plus, her skirted uniform was always the more appealing one. Unfortunately, each Power Ranger in the game shared the same sprite, just a different color palate. This left the two girl Rangers looking like grossly muscled, androgynous monstrosities.



Looks like Kimberly has been spending a little too much time at the gym.

At the end of each level you got to fight a boss that was pretty easy. Where this game really shined is at the end of each stage, when you got to take the helm of the Megazord and bash the living heck out of a super-sized monster. All together, these game elements shaped up to create a 90's pop culture gem that's worth playing, even if just for nostalgia's sake.

Image credit: gamefaqs.com, screenshots

Greendog: The Beached Surfer Dude!

Hidden Beneath Layers of Regrettable 90’s Surfer Lingo, a Good Game is Found
by: Scott Thompson

And now, a list of words pulled directly from the back of Greendog’s box:

Shreds
Rips
Thrash
Beserk-o (yes, “berserk” is spelled wrong)
Killer
Cool Out
Shreddin’

I supply this small sample of vocabulary in order to best illustrate my hesitation in picking up this game. I would have a hard enough time hearing these words coming from an actual surfer; I nearly lost it when reading them scrawled across the box and manual. Why, then, did I decide to purchase Greendog: The Beached Surfer Dude? Well, I figured if the game was as bad as the box suggested, then I could write a funny, scathing article. Or, if by some chance the game was actually good, I could at least make fun of the box.

So, um… how about that box art? Yes, that’s right. Much to my surprise, Greendog is a good game with some original ideas to boot. Read on for proof.

The game has you playing as the titular hero who, after being “pounded by a massive wave”, wakes to find a strange pendant around his neck. Greendog must travel across 6 Caribbean islands in order to piece together the Surfboard of the Ancients which will then break the pendant’s curse.


Greendog hangin' ten in an Aztec crypt.

Each island is broken into two stages. The first stage is always different; Greendog will travel through jungles, across beaches, and even underwater in search of the entrance to the second stage, which is always an underground Aztec crypt. These second stages have two variations. In one, you will be navigating a maze-like level, culminating in a showdown with a randomly-generated boss. The second variation requires you to grab a skateboard or pair of Rollerblades (your choice) and “shred” your way through a treacherous course, jumping chasms and avoiding spikes. Finish the second stage and you are rewarded with a piece of that Surfboard before flying to the next island via a bonus level.

Level structure isn’t the only thing unique to Greendog, though. One aspect worth mentioning is the health system. Rather than having a life bar that decreases as damage is accrued or dying in one hit, the surfer has a damage threshold bar, starting empty and filling up as the various wildlife attacks him. Once the bar is completely filled, Greendog will drop his Frisbee. If you are hit in this state or don’t pick up your Frisbee fast enough, you will die. However, if you secure the disk, then your damage bar will decrease a bit, allowing you to continue forward in hopes of finding a can of soda to reduce your damage.


Surfing, skating, and an air bike? Greendog offers the full package.

That’s right: soda. It doesn’t stop there, either. There are no coins or rings in Greendog’s world, if you want points, you collect ice cream, pizza, and hot dogs; it seems the main cash crop in the tropics is junk food. It would be impossible to find a kids’ game today where the player is rewarded for gorging on all that trans-fat filled food. Apparently obesity and diabetes didn’t exist in 1992. Furthermore, this game may actually be responsible for these ailments, having taught a generation of children horrible eating habits. I have some Wikipedia articles to amend.

Of course, Greendog isn’t the only one making poor dietary choices, as his dog Fetch is prone to eating everything in sight as well. Fetch will show up in levels every now and then, stealing the food that enemies drop before you can pick it up. However, when he is around, some enemies will drop a bone. If you get it before Fetch, he will begin attacking any enemy you come across in an effort to be rewarded with the bone. However, should Fetch secure the bone himself, he will drop to the floor and begin gnawing on it, forcing you to move on without him. A truly unique take on the idea of a power up.


Greendog and Fetch chillin' at the beach.

I believed I was destined to hate Greendog, but it turned out to be an incredibly creative game. The final levels are controller-smashingly difficult, and the jumping is a bit floaty, but the reggae-inspired music, bright visuals, and overall charm of this game push it beyond all that. Anyone looking for a fresh take on old school platforming would be proud to have this in their collection.

Hello Kitty World: The Kitten Before She was a Star

by: Aron Deppert

Hello Kitty World (which was released in the US as Balloon Kid for the GameBoy) was released in 1992 for the Famicom as a joint effort between Sanrio and Character Soft. In localizing it as Balloon Kid, there were no major changes outside of changing the protagonist from Hello Kitty and colorizing/improving the graphics.



Hello Kitty World's title screen

In the Famicom version, you play Hello Kitty, who for some reason has two balloons tied to her butt. The balloons give Hello Kitty enough weightlessness so that by simply flapping her arms, she can soar through the air. You flap your arms by tapping A and use the control pad to collect balloons placed throughout the level, all the while avoiding the vast amount of enemies that want nothing more than to pop your butt balloons. When a balloon has been ruptured, you can land somewhere safe and inflate new ones by tapping down on the control pad repeatedly. It’s important to keep balloons inflated, because otherwise you won’t be able to clear some of the larger gaps that you need to reach the end of each level. Many of the enemies (mostly birds) fly in the air, but there are grounded enemies that can make trouble for you. The most bothersome ground enemies were the weird campfire thingies that hopped viciously at my Hello Kitty, trying to singe her little whiskers.



99 red love balloons...

Each level has an entrance to a bonus area (the door is marked with a Strawberry) where you can collect more balloons that float out of pipes that look like they were hijacked from the Mushroom Kingdom. Since I can’t read Japanese, I have a hard time telling you what the balloons you collect do, other than contribute to your score at the end of every level. Also, 1-ups float out of the pipe if you can collect all the balloons without letting one hit the ceiling. The 1-ups were very valuable to me, because I found myself watching Hello Kitty’s balloonless butt fall to her death quite often. Luckily, the game seems to have a sort of unannounced checkpoint system in place so you don’t have to start over at the beginning of the level each time you die.

The boss battles were quite easy, and only involved bouncing on some crazed, indistinguishable animal’s head three times. You can’t be holding balloons when you jump though, or you won’t be heavy enough to do any damage. The graphics were very bright and colorful. Some of the enemies seem out of scale compared to Hello Kitty – they’re so small they make her seem like a giant. The backgrounds while flat and not very detailed, are cute and appropriate for this type of title.

The music was catchy, cheerful, but repetitive. The song you hear when you watch the cut scene after completing a level is particularly triumphant-sounding. The controls were pretty straight-forward: use the directional pad to move, A to fly, B to release your balloons (which is necessary to make it through some portions of the levels). When you’re on the ground, A makes you jump.

Overall, Hello Kitty world would be great to play in an arcade for ten minutes, but I can’t see why anyone would ever want to own it at home. Each level was essentially the same, only with more enemies and a faster scrolling speed. Hello Kitty World is nothing more than a quick time-waster at best.


I dug this up off of my personal blog. It was originally written in 2007, and I revised and refreshed it to make it better for my current skill level.

Image Credit: Screenshots

Revoking my Gamer Card: First Impressons of A Link to the Past

by: Scott Thompson
Originally posted on Scott's 1UP blog

I have done some horrible things in my life. Things so shocking and gut wrenching that merely hinting at them here makes me flush. Forget the closet; I rent an entire floor to skeletons of all shapes and sizes. Amidst all my secrets, one can be seen towering above the others with ease. I have wrestled with the guilt for far too long. Hoping to relinquish some of the burden on my very soul, I have decided to unleash this dark secret upon the world. Let it weigh on you if it means some peace within myself...

I have never played The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. Oh, what horror becomes you at such news?

Theatrics aside, it is undeniably true that I have never played this certifiable classic. Why, you ask? I can't really say for sure. Growing up, I played other SNES gems such as Super Metroid and EarthBound, but for whatever reason my younger self simply skipped over the Zelda series entirely. I remained blissfully ignorant of Hyrule's plight until my 13th birthday when I received Ocarina of Time.

Since that moment, I have remained on the frontlines defending that mystical land from Ganon's quest for power and destruction, playing each subsequent entry in the series. I learned to appreciate Majora's Mask; fell in love with Toon Link; eventually trusted the crafty Midna. Link's battle through the Dark World, however, remained untold to me; until now. Several hours in, with the Master Sword gripped firmly in my hands, I reflect on what has been an entirely enjoyable and eye opening experience.

Having tried (futilely) to play the original Legend of Zelda several times, I was immediately enamored with it's SNES predecessor which thankfully provided small guidance to the player, as well as a handy world map. The game even opened with a small sequence that could be considered a training exercise before opening up the land of Hyrule to the player. A Link to the Past treads the line between the vagueness of the original and the hand-holding of more modern day games incredibly well.

The world map accessible in The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

However, knowing where to go is only half the battle. Where A Link to the Past may be a little more guided than its progenitor, it certainly makes up for it in difficulty. Enemies are unrelenting and, annoyingly, reappearing. It's rare for me to retain more than half my hearts when traveling a small distance over the world map. Worse yet, hearts are a precious commodity rarely found in the wild and limitedly placed in the various dungeons.

At this point, my only disappointment is in the boss battles themselves. Unlike Ocarina of Time and the games following, A Link to the Past simply has you swiping your sword as much as you can until the boss is dead, rather than having to cleverly use the special item picked up in that dungeon. I am admittedly early in the game though, so hopefully this will change in due time.

Boss(s) battle in the first dungeon

Most interesting to me is how much this game has influenced the sequels since its release. Well, maybe influence is putting it too lightly. Most of the games in the series are direct copies of A Link to the Past. Find the three shiny things, pick up a new item in each dungeon, get the Master Sword, try to defeat Ganon, collect 6 or 7 other shiny things and then try again. Oh, and make sure to travel to some alternate version of Hyrule. Reductive as this statement may be, there is no denying some truth here.

It is at once enjoyable and frustrating to play A Link to the Past this far after its release. On one hand, it is unbelievable to think that it was 18 years ago that Nintendo created THE Zelda formula by which all the other games would be designed. It is nearly flawless in every way. On the other hand, it is disappointing to see that the company has been afraid to stray too far from its own proven recipe for success (with the exception of Majora's Mask and, to some extent, Phantom Hourglass). Here's hoping that Spirit Tracks will inject some much needed life into the Zelda series which, while fun, is growing worryingly stagnant.

Zombies Ate My Neighbors: Tacky, Yet Satisfying

by: Aron Deppert
In 1993, LucasArts and Konami teamed up to release Zombies Ate My Neighbors, a run-and-gun survival horror game that came out on SNES and Genesis. In it, you run around and try to save people from zombies, werewolves, vampires, aliens, tiny killer babies, and giant killer babies—the list goes on and on. You can collect a vast array of weaponry, including exploding cans of soda and popsicles, but your main weapon is either a squirt gun or a ray gun (it’s hard to tell visually, and the game never says otherwise). You can also get a lot of different power-ups and diversions for the bad guys chasing you. The goal is to collect each of the townsfolk before a baddie gets to them. Once the final person is safe, a magical door appears out of thin air to allow you safe passage out of the current level.

Zombies Ate My Neighbors plays a little bit like Metal Slug, with eight directions you can travel in instead of four. It was a little overwhelming my first time playing it, (10 years ago…haha) and when I picked it up again today, it was no different. The first level seems to be designed to lull you into a false sense of security before plunging you head-first into the proceeding 50-something levels of carnage. By level 3, you are being chased by psycho axe murderers with hockey masks on. They are so strong, not even your bazooka-like weapon can put them down for good. The only way to make it through was to freeze them with a fire extinguisher (realistic!) and then run around like an idiot, grabbing up your “neighbors” left and right. I did make it through however, and only lost two people in the process.


F minus? Oh really? I let the zombies have her.

Despite the game being very difficult (the axe-wielding midgets were impervious to everything, I could only pass them by distracting them with the clown punching bag decoys) it was still a good time. I got very tense and excited, and ended up yelling a few words I wouldn’t even say in front of my own mother. The only thing that could have improved the game was if there was actually some sort of story – anything to let you know just why exactly all these monsters were on a rampage. This genre of game isn’t exactly demanding on plot, but this was looser than a Remero flick. Zombies Ate My Neighbors is a fun and nostalgic title that is worth picking up if you get the opportunity.

The Game Over screen: a sight seen a little too frequently in Zombies Ate My Neighbors

Image Credit: Aron, en.wikipedia.org

Star Fox 64: An Animal Pilot?

by: Christian Blas
You whisked up and down, forward and backwards through the eminent dangers of space field with robots, rocks, and animalistic villains (such as a wolf and a monkey). Alright, if you haven’t guessed yet what this is, I’ll tell you. This is Star Fox 64, an action simulator released by Nintendo for the Nintendo 64 in 1997.

Left to Right: Peppy Hare, Slippy Toad, Fox McCloud and Falco Lombardi.

The game is not a sequel, but of a remake of the original for SNES, which was a real surprise to me. Another surprise was the added feature of the rumble pack, which we take for granted in game controllers these days.  It was an attachment that plugged into the back of the controller, not built-in, and it enhanced the experience of gamers and developers alike.

The storyline goes like this: You are Fox McCloud, leader of team Starfox, and you must go through the mysterious regions of the Lylat system to destroy the all-powerful Andross and protect your city of Corneria, despite the fact that it is in shambles once you encounter it in the beginning. Just in case you haven’t played Star Fox 64, I will not ruin the whole gaming experience by revealing the ending, because I believe the element of surprise should beautify the experience of a game.  The rest of the story, however, I shall reveal.

See I told you there was a monkey…Andross (above)

As for the gameplay, it is incredible. The fluidity and simplicity of the controls made sure that you were the king of the skies (or space for that matter). You play with three bots as your friends (Falco, Peppy, and Slippy) in campaign mode. They are really not much of a help in cases where you have trouble. In fact, you must help them if they get into trouble! Even if they are a bit brain-dead and go into the dangers you wouldn’t think of getting into, they are a great help when if comes to other stages that involve an ambush or an invasion. The missions that you must go into may seem repetitive but have an overall difference in feel and difficulty. These range from destroying enemy devices to just plain blowing up the enemy boss. If you skip certain missions, there is always another option you can choose in order to advance the story line. This allowed the game to have immense replay value and added branching complexity to the game’s main storyline. What might make others mad about this is if they aren’t able to do the mission properly, the game will commence and keep going to the same path as before. The only way to replay is to restart the entire game and start from the beginning, which was no bother to me at all.

The villains in this game, I must say, really added to the goodness of this slice of heaven. Wolf O’ Donell, Fox’s arch enemy and leader of team Starwolf, is employed by Andross along with others (Leon Powalski, Pigma Dengar, and Andrew Oikonny) to destroy you and the rest of team Starfox. The battles that you encounter with this group are both more enjoyable and more difficult than any other boss you will encounter in the game, bringing to mind the thoughts of dog fights during WWI.

The music was what really latched me to this game the most. When I began playing the game I was so obsessed with the tunes the game churned that I began playing it over and over in my head, especially Area 6 and Starwolf’s Theme. To me, it was very unique that a game would have songs so great that they would be so appealing in other cases besides actual gameplay.

When you played it, you felt that it was like no other game you played before. The dialog that Star Fox 64  produced was that of a regular cheesy 80s-90s action flick with brandishing and terms of domination, but still great overall because it produces its own personality. The multiplayer was so-so and is not as fun as single-player; there is not much to say about this except that I believed there should’ve been more time and effort put into it. The training is a nice addition and it helped in the end with understanding the control scheme. It also allowed for you to improvise combos and gave you a preview of things you might encounter in campaign and multiplayer modes (enemies, power-ups, etc.). The game was like a large-scale movie that had a gripping science fiction tale that wasn’t over until you said it was over or at least turned off the console. But why would you do that?

Image Credits: rotpod.net, boards.ign.com

Power Piggs of the Dark Age (yup, there's 2 g's in "Piggs")

by: Aron Deppert
Power Piggs of the Dark Age is a side-scrolling (though in the first level, most movement seems to be upward) action platformer for the SNES that was released by Titus Software in 1994. The game takes you through one chapter in the eternal struggle of pigs versus wolves. In it, human/pig hybrids battle human/wolf hybrids in a medieval setting. The werewolves are sneaky and get better weapons, so initially you feel like they have the upper hand, but that is only until you discover you can throw donuts at them! The sound in the game was my favorite feature – the music sounded like a 70’s detective TV show (which seemed wildly out of place given the setting), and one maneuver in the game results in your beloved man-pig (werepig?) farting. Yes, even at 27 years old I am still a sucker for a fart joke.






This wolf in princess's clothing almost tricked me!


In the first stage alone I had to deal with princess werewolves, archer werewolves, knight werewolves, and werewolves that charge on the ground to head butt you. For the most part it was pretty straight-forward platforming. I will admit I did loose a life once to the knight werewolves, who were flying around on gusts of air from geysers down below. It was a delightful death though, because when you die the sprite turns into a ham hock. YUM YUM!

The first boss was a cinch. He was a heavily-armored werewolf that I slashed at with my huge sword until his armor fell off to reveal his pink boxer shorts underneath. The boss was so embarrassed that he quickly tried to scurry off the screen, but it was to no avail. His pink panties offered little protection against my blade!

The second stage was called “West Blow Hole Forest”. The ground is covered with the air geysers that make you fly, and quicksand that sucks away your health half a donut at a time. Most of the action takes place on platforms in the sky or in the midst of the geysers. There are new spikey ball obstacles to deal with and a new werewolf that is toting a pea shooter. His shooter must be loaded with some special peas, because they take away half a donut on the health meter when hit.





Ooo...these holes sure can blow.

Overall this game wasn’t too bad. The music was out of place, but I have a hard time saying anything bad about a game that has fart sound effects, weaponized donuts, and wolves in drag. It’s no wonder a game this quirky and seemingly kid-orientated didn’t gain much attention in its day, but this is a title I could easily see being a $7 WiiWare download or a flash game on Newsgrounds.

Image credits: me, en.wikipedia.org

Bible Buffet for NES - Surprisingly Bible-free

by: Aron Deppert
Bible Buffet was released in 1993 by some publisher called "Wisdom Tree", and wasn't licensed by Nintendo (something you'd almost never see these days). The game played a lot like the red-headed stepchild of Bomberman and Mario Party.
You start out by pressing A to spin the wheel, which determines how many spaces you can advance or go back. Once you land on a space, you must complete a small Bomberman-like level where your goal is to collect as much food as you can without getting killed by the other crazy pieces of food running around. You are armed, however, with several pieces of cutlery you can hurl (knife, spoon, fork-each one behaves a little differently) and exploding barrels








Your path through the Bible Buffet

As you can see on the board above, you will work your way through several differently themed lands. Veggie world is the first, and shortest, which I think serves as unintentional commentary the nutrition habits of most American families. In Veggie Land you battle walking tomatoes as you scamper around, frantically collecting as much broccoli and cauliflower as you can. Each piece you collect adds to the weight tally at the top of the screen. I was never able to figure out if that was how much food I was carrying, or how much weight I had gained, though I would assume the later of the two to be true.

During my stay in Veggie Land, my weight was only 213 pounds! The Bible Buffet diet works!

I had a few more uneventful stops before I finally met some peril in Bread Land. It took several hurls of my knife to disable to rabid flour sacks, and I even had to avoid the searing hot columns of steam from the oven! YIKES! I had to complete the last square in Bread World, which was actually the most difficult I had faced so far...and the exit was guarded by two very tough sentries who were impervious to my flatware!






The vicious sneers on the Wonder Bread Twins face was scarier than their huge knife.


The rest of my trip was uneventful, until somewhere near Pizza Land I was presented with a POP QUIZ?! "WTF?" I asked myself as I stared at an answer sheet where I was supposed to mark true or false in response to some questions. But there were no questions on the screen! I gasped, I screamed, I put my hands on my cheeks like the little kid in Home Alone...I didn't know what to do! So I did a little research and found the questions are in the instruction manual, which I obviously don't have. These questions are also the sole Bible references associated with the game.

Surprisingly I answered all three correctly just by guessing, and landed on the shortcut in Bar-B-Q Land, bypassed Freezer Land all together, and landed in Snack Land. That square was completed with ease, and after a couple more spins I found myself in the best Land on the whole board...Fruit Land, also known as SAN FRANSISCO.

San Fransisco, Land of the Fruits

All in all, the remainder of my voyage through the Bible Buffet was anti-climatic. At the end I was given awards, just like in Mario Party. I won first to finish, and most food collected, which really wasn't a surprise since I was the only one playing the game. The game wasn't the buffet of Bibles as I had hoped, and the title implied, but it was an interesting time waster despite all this.


Image Credit: Screenshot, en.wikipedia.org

Athena - Athena's Wonderland

by: Aron Deppert

It is my pleasure to present to you this week's game: "Athena - Athena's Wonder Land". I am also pleased to inform you that neither the game, nor the promotional flier pictured to the left is a joke.

SNK, the makers of the classic "Metal Slug" series, released this as an arcade platformer in 1986. Sometime later in 1987 it was ported to the NES. I just can't figure out exactly why it was made in the first place, let alone released on home consoles.

You play as Athena, who was the Greek goddess of Wisdom and Defensive Warfare. She looks really wise in the red bikini, doesn't she? As was popular at the time, there is really no explanation for what you are doing. You just start out in some brick room, jump in the center, then POW!...you're in the first level: "The World of Forest".

You begin the game much like Athena does in the flier--scantily clad, except unarmed. The first bad guy you encounter is a man with a pig head, who we'll just call Piggies from now on. Once you kick and punch him into submission, you can steal his weapon, which I will refer to as THE LOLLIPOP OF DOOM!





Bashing Piggies with candy never felt so good...and so right!

I died about twelve times before I realized that you could break apart the blocks of dirt in the level to reveal things like armor, weapons, and sacks that for some reason or another awarded you points. I was overjoyed once I was in my full suit of armor! No longer did the Piggies, or the stronger Horsies I encountered later on, kill me in one or two shots. I now felt like a goddess and was just nearly invincible! Mind you, I said nearly. One main drawback I found to Athena was there was no checkpoint system, and no way to refill your health except for to slay this one enemy that looked kind of like an eel walking on land. I only saw one of them during my time in Athena's Wonder Land.

I can't help but feel SNK was a little too ambitious with the amount of sprites they thought the NES would be able to handle at one time. There was a point when I was nearly overwhelmed with Horsies and Piggies, and the system slowed to a grinding pace and everything became pixilated. I had a hard time understanding why this was happening, because no other game I played ever did this on my NES and they had more than four colors.

NES computing power at its finest.

I'm glad I hung on through my 12 game over screens, because once I found all of Athena's armor I kind of had a good time. Enemies were very predictable, and with the helmet, chest piece, boots, and shield, they had a hard time dispatching Athena from her Wonder Land. I even made it through the first boss, which was some really awesome looking octopus tree thingy that threw um....Pepto Bismol orbs at me?

Your indigestion medicine is no match for the goddess Athena! Rawr!

I couldn't help laugh when I learned that 14 years after her appearance in Wonderland, Athena appeared in SNK's King of Fighters 2000 game (they even kept her purple hair), and was a mini-boss in the SNK vs. Capcom game. I guess it was silly of me to think a crazy dye job and a red string bikini wouldn't carry a woman far in life!

Image credits: Screenshot, and en.wikipedia.org

Just in time for Valentine's Day - Chubby Cherub

by: Aron Deppert
Chubby Cherub was released in the United States in 1986 by Bandai on the NES. It had been released in Japan a year earlier under the name “Q-taro the Ghost: Bow Wow Panic”. The main character of the game was from a manga series in Japan and apparently the localization team didn’t think Americans could handle it, thus Chubby Cherub was born. Even though he looks like Cupid, this is a cherub of a different sort. Instead of making people love each other, his love can destroy small animals!

That's the true power of love -- killing puppies!

It seems that someone or something has taken the little cherub’s friends and stashed them in buildings, though I am only speculating this since the game makes no effort to relay the story line to you at all. The only things standing in our protagonist’s way are…DOGS! They bark at the cupid-looking fellow and send little icons with the letter B on them flying across the screen. If you touch even one of these bark icons, then BAM – you’ve got one dead cherub on your hands. Thankfully, the people at Bandai didn’t leave the cute guy defenseless; if you eat enough junk food, you can shoot little peachy colored hearts at the mean poochies. Lollipops give you ammo for your love ray, and the rest of the nutritionally devoid food powers your flight meter. The lollipops were so few and far between, so it was really essential to keep the flight meter full so I could fly around the dogs.

Ahhh...it's killer b's!

Though this game is very cute, the difficulty was extremely high. The dogs that barked at you often sent their icons out like a machine gun, and jumped erratically to seemingly random places which made them next to impossible to avoid. It only took one hit to send the heavenly hero to his grave (do cherubs die?) and when you came back, you were out of juice for your love beam. The flying meter is constantly depleting itself, which means that aside from dodging rapid fire barks, you need to constantly be eating food. Wonder why he’s such a chubby cherub? I was only able to make it to the end of the first stage once, and there are twelve total, so I think a good amount of cursing and frustration would be spent on this game if I decided to try to defeat it.

In a nutshell, I would suggest making your own love this Valentine’s day and not relying on the help of a flying naked baby with an eating disorder.

Image Credit: Screenshot, and en.wikipedia.org